


Is It The Same For You?

by Eaptallmadge



Category: Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: M/M, Pining, Self-Loathing, They figure it out in the end, confused!ben, sad!caleb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 14:39:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11625666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eaptallmadge/pseuds/Eaptallmadge
Summary: Caleb’s inner monologue after a battle, 30 unslept hours, the discovery of heartbreak, and the sight of his best friend.





	Is It The Same For You?

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from a song by The 1975.  
> I'm gonna go ahead and apologize all around for this. I was really in my feelings when I wrote this, so there may be grammar and logistical mistakes. It's full of run-ons, so sorry!  
> This is also very sad and sort of heavy-- I wrote it the way I write poetry: fast, sad, and ruthless. I thought I'd share because I had to get it out there.  
> Thank you guys <3  
> It

Caleb is wandering.

He fits right in: lonely, cold soldiers moving in groups of two or three, settling by the closest fire.

He can’t feel his hands.

He looks at the ground, shuffling his feet. He is unheard, he is bloody.

_Fuck, Ben,_ he thinks. He is led into a tent, so many men, so little warmth, still, _all this body heat and still, there is no warmth for me_ , he thinks.

His spirits are low, his heart sits sickly in his stomach.

He could die here, he concludes. Anna wouldn’t have anyone to run away with, but she’ll be okay.

_Oh, Anna,_ he thinks. _I am so sorry. I am so sorry about Abe. I know what it’s like, Annie, I know. I am so sorry._

_Ben would be fine,_ he thinks.

“Jesus Christ, Ben,” he murmurs.

His heart aches with run-on sentences of desperation, things he wants to say out-loud, but it is late and the men are sleeping beside him and he feels dirty and unfit.

_Oh god, where are you now?_

_You don’t feel that? Your heartstrings don’t rip out of your fucking chest when you turn from me?_

_I love you, Ben, there is nobody else, there is no other soul for me here, there could never be._

_You know, I would just leave with you, Ben. Tallboy, you could pull me into the woods or on a ship or anywhere on this Earth and I would go, Ben. Ben, we don’t need a damn thing. Not a damn thing but each other._

_If you died, I would have to go, too. I’m so sorry but I would have to go._

His bones scream, he cannot breathe anymore with the weight of the world, with the weight of the war, with the weight of his best friend.

_Ben, do you remember when you first enlisted? You were so proud, Ben. Look at you, dressed in blue and gold, you look like everything holy, Ben._

_I love you so much it hurts me but I cannot live here, I cannot live at all, when you marry another._

_I think you placed each star in the sky. I think you did, Benjamin._

“Brewster,” a voice peaks in the tent and whispers.

_Oh Christ, where have you been?_

“Tallboy, it’s nice to see you. I’m glad you made it through.”

“Caleb, please.”

Caleb is led blindly to the Major’s tent.

“Caleb. Caleb,” says his best friend.

Caleb sits on the edge of the cot. He stares straight ahead.

_They could hang me, they could shoot me,_ Caleb considers quietly.

“Ben. Is it the same for you?”

“It’s the same, Caleb, it’s the same, it won’t ever be different.”

The Major crouches in front of him, his elbows touching his knees.

“It’s the same, Caleb. I love you.”

Caleb blinks at his friend. He waits.

“Caleb, I love you. I can’t do this without you here.”

“Ben. Oh, Ben.” He looks at his silly friend. I have loved you for lifetimes.

“I can’t stop, Caleb, I can’t stop. I love you. Oh my god, I love you.”

“Shh,” the bearded man says, gently touching his face.

Finally, Caleb speaks again. “I have loved you for so long, Ben, so long.”

“I am so sorry.”

When Ben kisses Caleb, when their mouths meet, Caleb swears the Delaware opens and the sky is blue and the war is over, and Caleb can see Ben, sweet and young again, and Caleb knows this war has not ruined them. Caleb can feel his heart beat again, Caleb can feel Ben breathe easier, Caleb can feel, they can feel.

_This war has not ruined them._

Caleb remembers when Ben nearly sank into the icy, unrelenting water.

_The war has not ruined them._

He wanted to take his place.

_The war has not ruined them._

Ben tastes like the stars he hung and the sadness that lives in Caleb and Ben tastes like gunpowder and ink and Ben tastes like every ounce of love he could hold in his heart and Ben tastes like a weary soldier and Ben tastes like sunshine and the future and Ben tastes like home and sadness and fear and Ben tastes like everything Caleb will ever need and Caleb loves him.

“Is it the same for you?” Caleb asks between breaths. To hear it just once more, once more would be nirvana.

Ben’s hands curl around Caleb’s face.

“It will be the same forever, Caleb. Always, always.”

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry again <3


End file.
